The feelings inside me that just won't go away

The feelings inside of me that just won’t go away . . . . .

I like boys.  I’ve always liked boys.  On the playground in grade school, I liked to throw dodgeballs at  boys and play kickball with them.  In junior high, I still liked boys.  I played basketball with them and would occasionally challenge one of them to a game of 1 on 1, just to show them that a girl can have skills too.  It was quite satisfying when they had to admit that they were beat by a girl!   I even kissed a boy in 8th grade.  It was disgusting, but aren’t all first kisses supposed to be gross and incredibly awkward.  In junior high, I liked girls too, but I began to notice it was not in the same way I liked boys.  What was wrong with me???  I quickly brushed those feelings aside, but they became the feelings inside of me; the ones that just won’t go away.  Looking back at my journals from when I was a teenager, there it was over and over again, those feelings inside me that just won’t go away.  I didn’t dare elaborate on what those feelings were even in a personal journal because it didn’t feel safe, but I acknowledged that they were there and how awful I felt about myself for having them.   I couldn’t write that I had attractions for the same gender because that could mean that I was a homosexual.  I didn’t want to be THAT, because I knew THAT was bad.  Really bad.

 

I didn’t choose these feelings.  I didn’t want these feelings.  I hated these feelings.  As any teenager, I JUST wanted to fit in.  I JUST wanted to be normal.  I buried these feelings as deep as I could, but the shame, self hatred and even humiliation couldn’t be hidden.  They cast a darkness that drained my hope and my light.  I found myself enveloped by despair and trapped within it.   I was too embarrassed and ashamed to even say what the feelings were in my prayers, but I would plead to my Father in Heaven time and time again to take THE FEELINGS away.

 

I became desperate to fix myself, but in my desperation I created chaos.  In 9th grade, I decided having a boyfriend was the answer.  Yes, I dated before I was 16 (gasp) and oh the turmoil it caused in my Mormon household, especially with my mom.  I was breaking the rules and my mom was frantically worried about my spiritual path.  If this created chaos, I could only imagine what would happen if she knew about the feelings inside me that wouldn’t go away.   Sitting through church lessons as a youth, the focus was on temple marriage and families; all part of our Heavenly Father’s plan for His children.  Where do I fit?  Where is my path?  What is God’s plan for me?  Not knowing the answers for myself was not only discouraging, but depressing.  On the outside, I was playing the part of “normal,” but inside was torment and hell.  I felt screwed up beyond repair.  It didn’t matter how much I poured my soul out to my Father in Heaven, inside the only thing that was changing was the darkness and self hatred.  It was getting heavier and the weight was crushing my spirit.  At the end of 9th grade, I had lost hope.  There did not seem to be a purpose for my life.  I did not see God’s path for me in church.  I did not see God’s path for me in life.   I didn’t feel God’s love.   I went beyond the dark to numb.  In that moment, I went and collected pill bottles from the cupboard.  I locked the bathroom door and opened each bottle and began to swallow pills one by one.  I kept swallowing pills until my stomach felt water logged.  The numbness wore off and the darkness returned and I simply sat on the floor and cried.  It felt final to me and I went to bed not wanting or planning to wake up.  I shared a bedroom with one of my sisters.  She sensed something was wrong and woke up my parents when she could hear me making noises in my sleep.  The next thing I remember is being at the hospital downing a nasty liquid charcoal tasting mixture and puking my guts up over and over again.   I wished I was dead.  Fortunately, God was not going to allow my final act to be written just yet.  

Shortly after this, my parents divorced.  I chose to stay with my dad in Elko while my mom moved to Salt Lake.  Moving forward in life, I made the decision to try again.  I wasn’t going to have the feelings defeat me.  I had failed before, but in my mind, I could fix this.  I had to fix this.  I was taught these feelings were something I could change; something that could be overcome and I was going to do just that. I failed again.  And again. And again.   I felt God had abandoned me and wouldn’t return until I fixed what was so terribly wrong and broken.  In my naïve mind, I thought having another boyfriend would change me.  I could make myself like boys in that way.   I was bound and determined to fit the mold. 

This relationship lasted over 3 years. Life lessons learned - having a boyfriend doesn’t fix it and having sex with a boy doesn’t fix it either.  I still had the feelings and on top of that there were a few other shades of black added to the darkness.  The first being, I became the cheesecake with the dog poop on it (an object lesson demonstrated in seminary.)  Once you break the law of chastity, having sex before you are married, you are like the cheesecake with the dog poop on it.   Who will desire you after that?  I was now even more unclean, unworthy and the worst part I was stuck (and apparently now my life would have an awful stench of crap to it.)   And then the other shade of black.  Abuse. The relationship which started out good on the outside with all my best efforts to like boys took a painful turn.  It is easy to stay in an abusive relationship when you hate everything about yourself.  I once threatened to tell his mom about the abuse, but he asked me who I thought she would believe.  I knew the answer and I kept my mouth shut.  

In high school, I had my first serious crush on a girl.  I felt butterflies when she was around.  The feelings were intriguing, exciting and at the time it was the only space where I felt good.  I would beat myself up inside for allowing myself to feel good by these wrong feelings  that came ever so naturally to me.   In a moment of vulnerability, I opened up to my boyfriend about this attraction.  It was a horrible mistake.  I had relinquished the last of my power and given him complete control.   I was terrified and would absolutely die if anyone knew about those feelings.  I would do anything, be anything and put up with anything that he wanted so he would keep my secret hidden.  I could no longer fight back with my words or my fists.  My thoughts were dark, heavy, suicidal.   I didn’t try to take my life again because I felt like I deserved all of it.   I was not a good person.  I saw it as a punishment from God not only because my decisions were not pleasing to Him, but because inside I was evil by nature and deserved the suffering.  I was too pathetic and unworthy to save.  Just when things couldn’t possibly get worse, they did.  The summer between my junior and senior year I got pregnant.  What would this mean for my senior year?  I was the starting point guard on the basketball team and even though the joy that I felt from that had long been sucked from it, at least it was something that motivated me to move forward.   I could not handle one more thing in my life and I think the Lord knew it.  A few months later I had a miscarriage and ended up in the hospital for a blood transfusion and D&C (not the scriptural kind.)  The doctor asked repeatedly if I had been sexually active.  My dad was there with me and I was mortified. I repeatedly denied it even though I was smart enough to know that both the doctor and my dad knew the truth. 

Even though I felt God abandoned me, He didn’t.  He never stopped watching over me, still loved me and wanted to protect me both spiritually and physically.  One day my YW’s President came and picked me up for ice cream and to talk. I didn’t want to go, but I did.   After awkward small talk, she looked at me with great concern in her eyes and said, “Melissa, I had a dream about you last night.”  In her dream, she said that she felt that I was in trouble spiritually and that the relationship I was in was extremely hurtful.  She continued to tell me about particular things that she saw in her dream that were going on in my life that only I would know about.   She was receiving revelation from my Father in Heaven who wanted to rescue me from sin and the troubled waters I was in.   I didn’t want to reveal any of the shades of black and especially not any colors of the rainbow so I denied that anything was wrong.  I told her that I was okay, even though that was anything but the truth.   

By the end of my senior year, I had quit going to church, but I had disconnected from my Father in Heaven long before that.  I hated church.  It was the place I felt the worst about myself and not just because I carried a heavy load of sin.  This is the place where I was taught how to see myself.  When it came to homosexuality there was no line between thoughts, feelings and behavior.  It was all lumped together.  The feelings meant that I was also defined as a pervert, abomination, whoredom, ugly and unclean.  I was lost and had fallen in a hopeless pit where I could only see and feel darkness.  I had always been a straight A student, but in this test in life I was failing miserably.  I had forgotten my most important identity that of a daughter of God.  

After high school, there was a temporary split in our relationship.  I gave up the opportunity to play college ball and attended the community college with the plan to join my boyfriend down at the university he was attending after two semesters.  Another life lesson learned: Jesus Christ is our shepherd.  He watches over His flock and He finds His sheep that are lost.  He knows our suffering.  His arms are extended with love and compassion.  He found me.  He saved me. Even though I didn’t feel worthy of a miracle, the Lord still blessed me with one, Chad.  I first met Chad while visiting my mom in Salt Lake.  He was a friend of my sister’s husband.  We hung out a few times and it wasn’t long before I was making frequent trips over to see him.  Eventually I opened up to him about my relationship with my boyfriend.  I was afraid that he would see me differently and wouldn’t want anything to do with me.  I was the cheesecake with the crap on it.   He didn’t see me that way.  To him I was the fudge brownie with cookie dough on top and whipped cream (which is way better than cheesecake anyways) and he valued me as such.  Chad gave me the courage to leave  my boyfriend.  He became a safe space and a place of healing, but there is one thing I kept locked away tight; a secret I swore to myself that I would never make the mistake to share again, those feelings inside of me that won’t go away.  

From the moment I met Chad, I was attracted to him, not physically, but to who he was.  He was kind and loving and always treated me with respect.  We had fun together playing tennis, boating, playing roller hockey and roller blading down flights of stairs at the Delta Center until we got kicked off.   I loved being with Chad.  I loved how I felt when I was with him.  I loved him.  I could make this work.

   

I moved from Elko to live with Chad.  We were both not active in the church.  Chad was a convert at 15, but didn’t stay active long after that.  We were both on a wayward path, but at least we were together.   Less than a year after that, Chad proposed.  From the time I was a little girl, I wanted temple marriage to be part of my life plan, but I also knew that there is a path to the temple and we were not on it.    I was excited to be married, but I also felt sorrow because I had an incredible person in my life and the commitment wasn’t for forever.  After we were married we talked about what we wanted for our lives and our marriage.  We both agreed that we wanted God back in our lives.  We wanted the blessings of the gospel and most importantly, we wanted to be sealed to one another for all eternity.   It was going to take effort and humility, but we knew it would be worth it.   The first step back on the right path was repentance.  There was a load of sin we were both carrying, mine was quite a bit heavier.  It was depressing to my spirit.  I desperately needed the Atonement of my Savior.  We spoke with the bishop of our ward who we had never met and then amazing things started to happen.  

This was my Alma the younger moment in life; being redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity and snatched from the darkest abyss to feel the marvelous light of my Savior.  This was a defining life moment for me.   I recorded this in my journal:  

I am eternally grateful for the Atonement of my Savior Jesus Christ.  I have done some pretty awful things and have committed some pretty terrible sins.  There is no way I could become clean again without the Atonement.  My Father in Heaven must love me so much and has a plan for me.  My testimony is strong and I want to go church and the temple and feel of the Spirit.  I have this new thirst for knowledge.  I love reading my scriptures.  I thank my Heavenly Father for my life. I am thankful for my Savior.  He gave so much for us and ultimately died for us.  What a sacrifice!  He knows us and knows what we feel.  He suffered for all the sins of the world so we can have the opportunity to repent and become clean and return to him some day.  I want my Father in Heaven to be proud of me.  Each day I’m trying to become the person I can be so I can be with them some day.  I want to endure to the end.  I want to be faithful.  I want them to say that I’ve done well and have been a faithful servant.  This is my eternal and ultimate goal here on earth.  

What about those feelings inside of me that just won’t go away?  I had a renewed spirit and energy.  I never wanted to be in that place again where I chose the world over that which was right.  I was in a healthy relationship and my Savior was by my side.  I felt that I could conquer anything.  I would give all I had in me and I wasn’t going to fail.   I was going to be faithful enough to overcome.  I lived the gospel in full force trying to prove to my Father in Heaven that I was worthy enough to fix those feelings inside of me.  I isolated myself from other women and did not have any close friendships. It is easy to proclaim that you have self mastered something when you isolate yourself.  Life in itself was somewhat of a distraction.  It was busy.  We had our first baby and we were foster parents for teenage boys  for a few years.  After having Lexi, I quit work to stay home with her.  I remember looking out my bedroom window at other moms in the neighborhood gathering so they could talk and let their kids play.  I didn’t go out.  I was afraid of failing.  I had post partum depression with each of my babies, but was eventually able to battle my way out.  I had a few miscarriages as well.  Life was an emotional rollercoaster, but I put on a happy face and did my best.  

I didn’t realize you could fall into dark pits even when you are on the right path giving everything you have.  Every time I failed I hated myself even more (and by failing I mean having a rainbow colored thought here and there.  Yes, I was ridiculously hard on myself). Some days I felt the feelings were going away, but what I didn’t understand is why God wouldn’t replace those feelings with an attraction to the opposite sex.   Even if I controlled one part, I knew I wasn’t straight.  I did not have those attractions.   I would beg my Father in Heaven to change me, to take those feelings away AND make me straight.  It didn’t matter how hard I tried, it didn’t happen.  I was exhausted emotionally, physically and spiritually.  

I have read the “Miracle of Forgiveness” written by President Kimball several times.  (By the way, if I could burn the section on homosexuality in every one of those books that were ever printed, I would.  Some of the content is pretty awful and untrue and I won’t repeat it).   It states that homosexuality is curable.  “Accordingly some totally conquer homosexuality in a few months.”  “How can you say the door cannot be opened until your knuckles are bloody, till your head is bruised, till your muscles are sore? It can be done.”  Well my knuckles were bloody, my head bruised, my muscles sore, and my knees worn and I have cried and pleaded and still that damn door will not open.

  

It was easier just to go into survival mode of self denial.  I am not gay, there is just a part of me that needs to be fixed.  But I am not gay.  

I tried to overcompensate for everything that I knew I was not in my marriage.  I never wanted Chad to feel that he was missing out on something because I was the one lacking the pieces.   He always has put me first in his life and I wanted to be everything for him.  Intimacy was challenging.  I tried to focus on our emotional connection, but to be honest it was difficult.  Often times after sex, Chad would fall asleep and I would go to the bathroom and sit on the floor and cry.   Intimacy did not feel natural and I felt empty.  I knew Chad would feel completely awful if he knew I felt this way so it is another secret that I kept.  I felt like an outsider looking in.  I could see what intimacy felt like when a person had  both an emotional AND physical connection with someone they were attracted to and loved. I was missing a piece and deep down, I wanted to feel just that, if only once in my life.  But that was only deemed sacred, holy and good if it is between a man and a woman.  What I desired was outside the Lord’s boundaries and I felt guilty and even selfish for thinking about it.  

When does it get easier?!

My Father in Heaven did send relief and a second miracle in my life – YW’s.  This is my heaven!  A place where I have always felt joy (as a leader) and where I can just breathe and be myself and not worry about the things inside of me that weigh me down.  I love not only to be able to connect with their spirits, but to feel of their power and goodness.    What an awesome space to share positive energy!   I have always had a hard time feeling God’s love for myself.  I know He loves me, but sometimes the mind and the heart don’t share the same messages.  But it has always been easy for me to feel the love of the Lord for the young women. That love feels really good. 

Another tender mercy in my life is RUNNING, woot, woot!  It has literally been life saving.  I started running after I had Trevor to get into shape.  I ran my first marathon after having Lindsay and swore I would never run one again.  About a year after that, running changed for me.  It began to be a way that the Lord personally ministered to me.   Running helped me battle my demons especially my depression. Running was not an escape, but a place of empowerment. It became a space where I could feel good about myself.  It filled me with confidence even if it is just for the time I had my running shoes on.  Most importantly, it was a spiritual space for me where I could talk to God, ponder and listen.   It draws me closer to my Father and to my Savior.  There are many parallels that can be drawn between running and life.  I have learned a lot about myself and many life lessons through running.   

And back to life.   Isolation wasn’t working out to well.  When you don’t have any friends, life really sucks.  I allowed my socially awkward self to have a few friendships, but always kept distances.  Life was pretty good.  I kept busy with my four wonderful kids and I was moving forward in life.  When I had moments of depression, I could easily hide it and battle my way out.  Then we moved to South Jordan.  The storms of life rolled in again.  Life darkened and who knew all the colors of the rainbow would show up right in the middle of it.   

The depression that I thought I had a good handle on found it’s reinforcements and was back with great force.  I felt completely defeated by the darkness.  It was overwhelming and I couldn’t hide it like I had before.   I prayed and prayed and prayed for light.   Finally the impression came to share my burden with a particular friend. This was a difficult thing for me to do.  Depression was ugly, negative and dark and another part of me that I didn’t want to reveal.  I didn’t want to be seen as weak, but I knew I didn’t have the strength to face this alone.  I had to swallow my pride and I called up a friend and asked if I could come over and talk.   I opened up and then fell apart in front of her.  It is the first time I had let someone see what my battle with depression looked like.   My friend listened  and then shared the words I felt that the Savior would have said to me in that moment.  Finally some light and I I could feel my Savior’s love through her.   With that conversation and several after, I drew courage and strength from her support, love and care.  I knew in my extreme moments of darkness I could turn to her for light.  She always knew the right things to say to offer hope and make my load feel lighter.   I knew our friendship was by divine design.  We became close friends.  Yes, I was physically attracted to her, she is beautiful, but I felt that I was strong and could build walls. 

   

I built those walls high and continually worked on reinforcing them.  I would quickly dismiss any thought that wasn’t supposed to be there.  What I didn’t realize was that even though I had control of my thoughts, I had no control over my heart.  My walls that I thought I had fortified so well eventually came crashing down.  You can’t rebuild walls out of dust.  I had fallen in love with my closest friend, a woman.  Now those feelings inside me were the most powerful they had ever been.  I was thoroughly confused.   What I was taught about homosexual feelings is that they were impure, unnatural and evil, but this was one of the purest feelings of love that I had ever felt and it came ever so naturally.  The emotional connection that I felt was intermingled with the longing for a physical connection that came from the most inner part of me.   This was the first time in my life that I could admit to myself that I was gay.   That was hard.  What was even harder to admit was that I was in love with my STRAIGHT friend in an IMPOSSIBLE situation.  I had no intentions.  I had no expectations.  I knew the feelings I had could never be reciprocated.  I was left alone with these intense feelings, feelings that I had never felt for anyone before, and they tore me apart.  My heart physically wrenched with pain.  To add to the conflict, I absolutely loved Chad as well.  When we were married, we promised each other that we would be honest if we ever had feelings outside our marriage.  I knew the conversation was coming, but I was a complete wreck and didn’t have the strength to have it just yet.  I was angry at myself for having those feelings.  When the anger settled all that was left was shame.  My depression hit rock bottom.  I became suicidal.  I hated every part of me.  The suicidal nightmares started and still frequent my nights.   Anti-depressants made it worse.  I began cutting to release the pain (a habit I unfortunately sometimes still fall back into).  I couldn’t even feel the joy from running.  The anxiety was miserable.  All of this was a destructive, hellish combination.  I needed space.  I needed distance.  We moved to Syracuse.  Life lesson learned – you can move, but you can’t escape the inner conflicts, they go with you.     

A few months after moving, my depression and anxiety were on overload and my life felt like a whirlwind.  Every emotion was on the surface and I felt ugly from the inside out.  I found myself literally in the closet, an all too familiar place, pleading with my Father in Heaven again.   Why is my faith not enough?  Why am I not enough?  I can’t do this anymore.  I feel completely alone.  Please take the pain away.   Why am I so screwed up?  I know that I am not worthy of your love, but as your daughter do you love me? The outpouring of light and love did not come.  I felt empty and I laid in my closet and sobbed. 

I quit praying for awhile after that, but I kept that prayer in my heart.  Slowly the answers eventually came, but not all at once and they are still coming.  I had to get out of my closet and seek higher ground.  The answers came through impressions while trail running up in the mountains.  The answer was LOVE.  My Heavenly Father loved me, His gay daughter, perfectly just the way I was.  It was okay to be gay.  I was not broken or a mistake, I was created just the way my Father in Heaven intended.  I need to trust in my Father and His plan for me.  My obedience needed to be motivated not by fear, but by love.  I needed to continue to love Chad and my family as I have always done.  I needed to love myself.  The parts of me that I so desperately wanted to change didn’t need to be, but what needed to change already was changing– my heart.  It had been opened up to love others and to see others as my Father in Heaven sees them.  I needed to share my testimony of the Savior with others and help them feel of His love.   

During the time I was waiting for answers, my heart was in turmoil.  I felt like a shell of myself going through the motions in life.  Chad knew that something was terribly wrong.  I finally told him

that I had something really difficult to share with him.  It was a truth I could no longer carry on my own because the weight was crushing me.  The words were almost impossible to say.  I am gay.   His first reaction was to ask if it was because something that he did wrong.  Absolutely not.  I laid out what my life looked and felt like being same gender attracted.   He was sad that I had waited so long to tell him and that I had been facing this all alone .  I was honest about the feelings I had for my friend.  He said it hurt to hear, but was grateful that I was honest. I asked him if he was okay having a gay wife and could he still love me?   One of my biggest fears was that I would not be enough for him because I am gay.  He said that he wasn’t worried that I was gay and he loved me, he was worried that he couldn’t make me happy.  He wanted to make sure that I could continue to find joy in our marriage.    He asked me if I thought I could be happy with a woman?  Yes.   He said that even though it would hurt like hell to lose me that if being with a woman made me happy he would support my choice.  I could be happy with a woman BUT I knew I could find joy with him as well.  If I was with a woman that hole inside me that has always felt empty would be filled, but then another hole would be created in it’s place.  A hole only Chad could fill.   One way or the other, you have to sacrifice something.  I know the grass is not always greener, but it isn’t a different shade of green that my longing is for, it is a completely different color.  I know being with a woman is not the Lord’s will for my life path, and I know because of that if I chose a different color my spirit would be in turmoil. 

My choice is to be with Chad and his choice is to be with me.  I have spent 18 years building a life with a man who I deeply love.  What this love is I can’t even completely explain.   When I married him, I knew I would sacrifice anything for him because I loved him and he would do the same for me.  Yes, there are things that have never and will never feel natural and things that are awkward, but there is no denying the love that we have for each other.  Not saying things are easy.  They are not.  Mixed orientation marriages are complex and don’t work for most.  There are painful moments to work through and tearful conversations that are not so smooth.  There are moments when I feel really depressed that I doubt my choices, but deep in my heart I know my choices are right for me.  One thing that was refreshing is that my marriage began to feel completely real.  Chad didn’t want to change me.  He loved me for all my colors and I loved him even more for that. 

Life was overwhelming still even after coming out to Chad.  I had the very distinct impression that I needed to come out to my friend.  I didn’t want to, at all.   I was so afraid.  I finally found my courage and sent her a text telling her that I needed to share something with her and asked if I sent her an email if she would read it with an  open-mind and not judge me for it.   I typed up my “coming out” email and then I just sat there and stared at the send button.  I was so nervous.  It took me hours to finally be brave enough to press send.  She immediately responded with her Christ-like heart shining through.  She asked if I would like to go on a hike to talk.  I did, but then I really didn’t want to go.  I had come out, but I knew that there were personal feelings that I was still hiding that I was still not ready to share.   I almost canceled, a million times, but ended up going.  It felt great to have her acceptance and feel of her compassion and support.  Even though it was hard, it still wouldn’t be the hardest conversation that I had with her.

That one came too.  It is by far the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do.  Her reaction could have ruined me.  I opened up to her about how my heart felt.   Nothing about my revelation, which she already had an idea, changed the way she felt about me as a friend or how she saw me as a person.  She knew my heart.  We cried together.  I know that she loves me, not in the same way I love her, but her love gives me hope and light in my life.   It is still painful and at times I need space.  All the colors are blended together and I can’t separate it.   I have tried over and over again.   I sometimes get completely frustrated with myself and I feel so foolish for feeling the way I do.  I wish I didn’t feel all the extra colors.  Navigating these waters is difficult, but for now it is a safe place for those feelings.  

I came out to a few other close friends and then I thought I could breathe.  I could be real and authentic to those closest to me and that is all that was important, but then I received another impression to share my truth openly with everyone.  Nope!  Not going to do it!  What will people think of me? People won’t understand and think less of me.  I will be treated different and judged for being gay.  The spirit worked and worked on me.  I finally wrote a “coming out” note, but I didn’t post it.  It just sat on my computer.  I  can’t share this piece of me with EVERYONE.  And then the thought came to me will you be willing to share if you knew that it could be a strength to someone else and help them along in their journey?  Yes.  I would put the most vulnerable and raw piece of me out there if I knew it could help light someone else’s path and if it could reach at least one person to let them know that they are not alone then it would be worth it.   I woke up early the next morning posted the following note on Facebook and then went for a run. 

 

To run 100 miles in my shoes . . .

Prerace - I can picture the joy in my heart exploding out in loud laughter in the premortal realms at the realization that I would have a shot to come down to this mortal life. Life would be a challenge. Oh how I love a challenge! Maybe I had a glimpse of what reality would be like or maybe I was well advised that this would be the hardest challenge I would ever face. So why the explosion of joy? I am sure my heart and spirit took courage in the knowledge of the role and mission of Jesus Christ. He would be my Savior and my Redeemer. His Atonement would provide the pathway back to my Father in Heaven. This would be the most difficult race, but with the most rewarding finish line. The crowning of celestial glory awaited. I can only imagine the butterflies in my belly and the overwhelming premortal race anxiety as I impatiently waited my turn to come down. Jittering. Excited. Holy crap this is really happening! Ready . . . set . . . go!

Race - Life is not a sprint or even a marathon. It is an ultra marathon with ever changing course conditions. There are steep climbs, mundane flats, gradual downs and sheer drop offs. Even though our destination may be the same, our life journeys are individual and personal. What does my life journey look like? What is it like to run 100 miles in my shoes? It is easy to share the good times in our lives when we are coasting on a nicely graded downhill, but what about the steep climbs with elusive peaks and those “suck the life out of you” sheer drop offs? The times when life becomes gut wrenchingly hard. For me, the steeper the climb, the greater the drop off, the more difficult and seemingly impossible to share. Why share? I think we can learn, grow and be strengthened by people’s stories - especially the hard stuff. So here you go! One of the realities in my mortal journey . . .(deep breath) . . . I am gay. This is a something I have hidden, tried to deny, and wrestled with for over the past 20 years of my life. At times it has been an incredibly dark place filled with extreme self hatred and shame. There are countless times when I have wanted to end my life journey. Points where I didn’t care if my eternal race results were recorded in heaven as a DNF - “did not finish” the course. I still trudge on. The journey over the years has become an obstacle course of emotions - bitterness, frustration, depression, anger, discouragement, defeat and despair. As I climb, I carry a backpack weighted with fear, worry and conflict. How does this fit in God’s plan for me? How does God see me? How will others see me? Why is this even a reality down here in this mortal life if it goes against what I have been taught about God’s plan? How do you be a gay Mormon and feel that you have a place? The inner conflicts can become all consuming. There are many layers and complexities. It tries and at times exhausts my faith. I have struggled to find peace and joy. I used to try to pray away the gay and then throw myself completely into righteous living hoping that through my faithfulness and the Atonement I could be changed. FAIL - it doesn’t work that way. I now pray that through the Atonement I may access the Savior’s grace to keep my covenants and stay close to the Lord and my family. I did not choose this path, but I can choose to let it crush me or empower me. I am seeking to find my power when I feel completely powerless. I find power and hope in my testimony and my relationship with my Savior. At times when I feel incredibly lonely and shattered in pieces I can turn to Him because He knows what it is like to run 100 miles in my shoes. He knows my feelings, heartaches, sorrow, misery, struggles and pain. Christ suffered in the Garden not only because He loves me, but also so He can love me unconditionally and minister to me personally. He has become my Savior, my Redeemer, my Light and my Rock.

Through my several years of wrestling there have been many different voices telling me how to live and what I should believe. It can be incredibly confusing and overwhelming. I completely understand why people with similar journeys as mine may choose a different direction for their lives than what I have chosen. I get it. I have nothing but love for them. I respect that others’ opinions, beliefs and perspectives may be different than mine. The key to find peace in my life was that I needed to find the truths that I believe in and carefully listen to the spirit for personal direction from the Lord. In times of darkness it is easy to be blinded to these truths, but when my eyes are spiritually open I can feel what I believe and recommit to what I have chosen for my life. These are my truths and my choices for my individual journey - 1. God loves me unconditionally. All of me. 2. I am and will always be His daughter. 3. I love my husband. I choose him for my eternal companion. 4. Being gay is my mortal reality, but not my eternal identity. 5. I choose to try my best to keep my covenants and be obedient even when I don’t have all the answers. 6. My life has meaning and purpose. 7. I was not created to fail. 8. I was created to have joy. 9. My heart is good. 10. I am strong! I totally got this!

Even though we are on our own personal journeys we are not left alone. I am blessed with lifelines - my superheroes - my amazingly awesome husband and friends. They continually offer aid and support. They throw ropes down to help me climb the steep stuff and pull the ripcord when I have fallen off a sheer cliff. They remind me of who I am and where I am headed. They seek to understand, don’t pass judgment and offer unconditional love. I treasure my relationship with each of them.

 Life is hard. I can’t make it to the finish line without relying on power beyond my own. I may be crawling and clawing my way through the finish chute, but I am bound and determined to make it to that finish line (which better be well stocked with brownie batter and cookie dough). I don’t want a finisher’s medal; I want a crown! I have to remind myself to find joy in the journey, be grateful and look for the good in the course that has been personally selected for me. Being gay has opened my eyes, but more importantly it has opened my heart. My heart is filled with kindness, compassion and love for others. Being gay helps me become more like my Savior and draws me closer to my Father in Heaven. I am being refined and I am a work in progress. I don’t have a complete understanding of God’s ways, so for now I run by faith. 

Before I posted the note on Facebook, I emailed it to my mom, dad and siblings.  This is the best way to communicate with my family especially with heavy stuff like this.  I knew my mom would need time to process it and wouldn’t take it well.  (I was right.  My first conversation with her that we finally had didn’t go so well, it was actually pretty terrible.  Our relationship hasn’t been the same since, but I am hoping things will change.)

After coming out, the majority of people have been kind and loving.  I have had some wonderful conversations with people.  My favorite conversation was with my two oldest girls.  They are amazing!  There are very few that have been not so kind, which usually comes from a place where they either lack understanding or their understanding was completely wrong and they don’t care to listen.  (By the way, understanding has changed from what it was before.  If you want to know more mormonandgay.lds.org is a good start.)  Just to be clear, I am gay, but I am not evil or Satanic.  Homosexuality does not equal pedophilia.  I am not going to hell just because I am gay.  Being gay is not a disease that I need to be cured of and I am pretty sure that I am not contagious.  ;)  Yes I have tried praying.   I did not choose to be same sex attracted, but I have a sneaky suspicion the cause may have to do something with the rainbow dress my mom made me in 4th grade and I think I may have eaten too many Skittles as a child (I tasted too much of the rainbow.) ;) 

Where am I at now? 

I am on a climb in life’s journey and I struggle more than I would like to.   By coming out, it has brought everything I stuffed down for years to the surface.  I am working through the mess.   Life felt like it shattered, and I am trying to rebuild life with shards of glass which can be painful, but I get to recreate what I believe in.  Some of that creation is what I have always known to be true.  Some of the pieces I can completely throw out and I get to add some new pieces of my own.    I am a work in progress (I need a lot of work).  I am moving forward, but I am also allowing myself to  take a  few steps back to find a better foothold to climb up when needed.   Sometimes I suck at life, but I eventually come around and find it in me to try and try and try and try again.   

Moving forward for me is believing in God  

 “Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend.”

and trusting in His love.

 “. . . .Knowest thou the condescension of God?  And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.”

It can feel dark and at times I feel very alone as I seek to do the Father’s will for my life.   Sometimes it is hard to feel peace on the path of obedience and I feel like I am drowning.   The spirit asks, will you STILL move forward even when it is dark and you feel all alone.  When there are things that you don’t understand and answers that you may have to wait until the eternities to receive?  Will you trust in your Father?   To be honest, I wish I could say that I have unwavering faith, but at times my answer is I can’t do it.  It doesn’t make sense to me and I am exhausted and too weak.  But eventually my heart always takes courage and says, “I am willing to try and I am willing to take that huge leap of faith.”  (And on really good days, it says, “bring it on!!!!”)   In the dark I try to remind myself of a  lesson I learned earlier in life.  Jesus Christ is my Shepherd.  He will find me when I am lost.   He knows my suffering and pain.  He knows what the dark AND all the colors of the rainbow feel like.  He will sit beside me in the darkness with His arms extended with love and compassion.  He will sit there as long as it takes until I can catch a glimpse of His light that will fuel my hope; until I can feel His embrace and be filled with His love.  He saves me, time and time again, and it is His grace that gives me the strength to move forward. 

There was a point in the Garden when the Savior was alone in His suffering.  He chose to continue to do His Father’s will even when all alone.  THEN the Father sent angels to strengthen him, His son, in his hardest hours.  I am grateful that my Father in Heaven has sent me an army of angels in my hardest hour to strengthen me. 

My pathway back to Christ – love God, love one another and love all the colors of my rainbow.   

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”

Not the end . . . . .:)